When I think about the future, I get a warm feeling inside and feel very excited. It’s almost as if the future is promised.
I get excited because I can’t wait to make enough money to be satisfied, live in a nice area, fall in love, travel around the world with the love of my life and experience new things such as eating in a restaurant in Iowa or hiking in the Badlands. Then hopefully owning a house together and get married unless we spend our savings in Vegas. I’m looking forward to having a wedding and when I get married, there isn’t going to be sides because once my fiance and I tie to knot, my family and his/her family are family. I will make them mingle. I’d like both sides to be best friends because I’m looking forward to holding family events. Then down the road, having at least 10 beautiful children is in my plan. I want a big family because I don’t have a family and in my head, I’ve created this dream of having the “perfect” family. I’m excited to be a soccer mom and drive a van, attend my children’s games, recitals, award events, school plays, etc because my parents never had the time to show up at any of my events when I was a kid and I can remember as if it was yesterday, how bad I felt and how I wished I hadn’t gotten awards because I knew no one would be sitting in the audience cheering for me.
But at the same time when I think about the future, I feel as if there’s no hope. All of what I wrote above are just illusions and something that I’d like to happen but isn’t promised. I don’t know if I’ll be able to own a house, fall in love, and have at least 10 beautiful children. I don’t know if I feel more comfortable with the thought of the future or if my dreams could be taken away from me in a split second. I’m not sure if I want to find out.